Comedian - Talk Show Host - Writer

Comedian - Talk Show Host - Writer

Comedian - Talk Show Host - WriterComedian - Talk Show Host - Writer

Sunday March 29th, 2020

ARGUS HAMILTON – Sunday March 29th, 2020     

BEVERLY HILLS-Happy Sunday and God Bless America, and how’s everybody?

President Trump continued calling the pandemic the virus rather than the Chinese virus this week. Trump said even though it started in Wuhan, he doesn’t want Chinese Americans to feel stigmatized. Every country in the world has the Corona Virus now, but China got it right off the bat

President Trump said he hopes to get much of America moving again by Easter Sunday. This country might never be the same. Very soon law firms will be running TV commercials on cable saying if you have been traumatized by the toilet paper shortage, you may be entitled to compensation

Capitol Hill in Washington paused on Thursday to observe the eightieth birthday of Speaker Nancy Pelosi in the House Chamber.  Imagine her joy when Nancy received the nicest birthday gift a Democrat could ever have asked for. Senate Republicans sent her a two trillion dollar spending bill

The Senate in a unanimous vote Thursday approved the stimulus relief bill designed to deliver emergency money to corporations, small businesses, and workers.  The cost to taxpayers of the bill will be $2, 000,000,000,000. America hasn’t been attacked by this many zeroes since Pearl Harbor

The White House hosted a press conference to underscore the challenges that remain ahead for everyone to endure in this virus crisis/  For all that, it produces  tales of goodwill that highlight the human spirit.  Hillary Clinton just offered to step in after Joe Biden tested negative for president

Joe Biden was accused by former Senate staffer Tara Reade of pushing her up against his the wall during an office party in 1993, forcing his hands into her panties and fingering her. Reaction was swift.  President Trump heard the news and immediately nominated Biden to the Supreme Court

Joe Biden ex-aide Tara Reade told a talk show details of how she claims he sexually assaulted her against an office wall in 1993. She says he thrust a hand under her dress and wiggled his finger inside her panties. Joe probably thought he was trying to get his change back from the Coke machine

Joe Biden’s campaign office refused to comment on the twenty-seven year-old sexual assault charge. No one’s sure how this old possibly career-ruing story suddenly surfaced. However Hillary Clinton was the first to express her profound sorrow about Joe Biden’s unexpected suicide next week

Buckingham Palace officials confirmed news reports Thursday that Prince Charles contracted the Corona Virus. Recently he’s been recklessesly out in public performing royal duties. You’d think that with all the public health warnings about how to avoid the virus Prince Charles would be all ears

The New York Post is reporting that Meghan Markle is forbidding Prince Harry from leaving their home in Vancouver to fly to London and visit his dad Prince Charles. It shows that theirs is more than a fairy tale marriage. Meghan is twice as powerful as Cinderella, who only had one ball

President Trump went to the whip last week hosting press conferences every day with his Virus Task Force to report progress and repeat sanitizing measures. I’ve spent way too much time inside my apartment. You know it’s time to clean out the fridge when something from the inside closes the door

President Trump and Governor Cuomo pushed to end home confinement soon to get people back to work on Thursday. CNN pundits accused them of sacrificing the lives of old people in exchange for gold. All we need is a volcano and our Mayan and Aztec arrivals will feel right at home

LA Mayor Eric Garcetti began angrily threatening to arrest residents Thursday whom he feels are not taking his stay-home order seriously from the looks of the fast and reckless car traffic on LA streets. People are driving around Los Angeles like it’s the end of the world. Oh wait, never mind.  

BEVERLY HILLS-Happy Sunday and God Bless America, and how’s everybody?

President Trump continued calling the pandemic the virus rather than the Chinese virus this week. Trump said even though it started in Wuhan, he doesn’t want Chinese Americans to feel stigmatized. Every country in the world has the Corona Virus now, but China got it right off the bat

President Trump said he hopes to get much of America moving again by Easter Sunday. This country might never be the same. Very soon law firms will be running TV commercials on cable saying if you have been traumatized by the toilet paper shortage, you may be entitled to compensation

Capitol Hill in Washington paused on Thursday to observe the eightieth birthday of Speaker Nancy Pelosi in the House Chamber.  Imagine her joy when Nancy received the nicest birthday gift a Democrat could ever have asked for. Senate Republicans sent her a two trillion dollar spending bill

The Senate in a unanimous vote Thursday approved the stimulus relief bill designed to deliver emergency money to corporations, small businesses, and workers.  The cost to taxpayers of the bill will be $2,000,000,000,000. America hasn’t been attacked by this many zeroes since Pearl Harbor

The White House hosted a press conference to underscore the challenges that remain ahead for everyone to endure in this virus crisis/  For all that, it produces  tales of goodwill that highlight the human spirit.  Hillary Clinton just offered to step in after Joe Biden tested negative for president

Joe Biden was accused by former Senate staffer Tara Reade of pushing her up against his the wall during an office party in 1993, forcing his hands into her panties and fingering her. Reaction was swift.  President Trump heard the news and immediately nominated Biden to the Supreme Court

Joe Biden ex-aide Tara Reade told a talk show details of how she claims he sexually assaulted her against an office wall in 1993. She says he thrust a hand under her dress and wiggled his finger inside her panties. Joe probably thought he was trying to get his change back from the Coke machine

Joe Biden’s campaign office refused to comment on the twenty-seven year-old sexual assault charge. No one’s sure how this old possibly career-ruing story suddenly surfaced. However Hillary Clinton was the first to express her profound sorrow about Joe Biden’s unexpected suicide next week

Buckingham Palace officials confirmed news reports Thursday that Prince Charles contracted the Corona Virus. Recently he’s been recklessly out in public performing royal duties. You’d think that with all the public health warnings about how to avoid the virus Prince Charles would be all ears

The New York Post is reporting that Meghan Markle is forbidding Prince Harry from leaving their home in Vancouver to fly to London and visit his dad Prince Charles. It shows that theirs is more than a fairy tale marriage. Meghan is twice as powerful as Cinderella, who only had one ball

President Trump went to the whip last week hosting press conferences every day with his Virus Task Force to report progress and repeat sanitizing measures. I’ve spent way too much time inside my apartment. You know it’s time to clean out the fridge when something from the inside closes the door

President Trump and Governor Cuomo pushed to end home confinement soon to get people back to work on Thursday. CNN pundits accused them of sacrificing the lives of old people in exchange for gold. All we need is a volcano and our Mayan and Aztec arrivals will feel right at home

LA Mayor Eric Garcetti began angrily threatening to arrest residents Thursday whom he feels are not taking his stay-home order seriously from the looks of the fast and reckless car traffic on LA streets. People are driving around Los Angeles like it’s the end of the world. Oh wait, never mind. 

Friday March 27th, 2020

ARGUS HAMILTON –Friday March 27th, 2020

HOLLYWOOD-Happy Friday and God Bless America, and how’s everybody?

White House Corona Virus Task Force Dr. Deborah Brix praised Americans for cooperating with her hygiene directive. It’s thorough. Here on day twelve of home quarantine, I noticed that my system has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant, that every time I take a leak, I clean the toilet

The New York Post reported that Hollywood mogul and Clinton friend Harvey Weinstein has contracted Corona Virus at Ryker’s Island jail in New York City while awaiting transport to prison for his rape conviction. It looks a little fishy. Since when did Corona Virus leave marks on your neck?

The US Senate reached bi-partisan agreement and passed a two trillion dollar relief bill filled with goodies.  Conservatives are outraged by all the giveaways. As if the Corona Virus weren’t enough of a problem, if the bill were any more laden with pork, it would risk spreading the Swine Flu

The London Daily Mail quoted teenybopper world climate activist Greta Thunberg Wednesday say she has come down with symptoms of Corona Virus. It just so happens that Greta recently met with Prince Charles. Imagine what she might have caught if she had met with Prince Andrew instead

Buckingham Palace confirmed Wednesday that Prince Charles has tested positive for Corona Virus. I have faith the Royal Family will tough it out. Meanwhile Prince Charles is in isolation at Balmoral Castle with Covid-19 and Prince Andrew is in isolation at Windsor Castle with Jennifer-14

Prince Charles assured the world Wednesday that he’s feeling fine and working in isolation at Balmoral Castle.  Charles is the future King of England and head of my church, and I feel awful about him catching corona virus. Nevertheless, he’s the one who insisted on sleeping with an old bat

Los Angeles Mayor Eric Garcetti lashed out at projections that the city could return to normal life soon Tuesday. LA County has ten million residents, and only seventeen people have died of the Chinese Virus. During that time, more people have been killed in Los Angeles by the Chinese Drivers

Dr. Deborah Brix told reporters Tuesday she’s encouraged by declining virus numbers in Asia and Italy I just spoke on the phone with a professor in China. He says it’s not worth getting the COVID-19 epidemic now, because they’re expecting the COVID 20 Pro to be released this September

An Arizonan died ingesting a poisonous fish tank cleaning solution containing chloronoquin prompting CNN to accuse Trump of murder. He’d touted the anti-malrial drug as it’s worked on the virus. I think the biggest lie the media has told us was that March Madness was canceled this year

The White House said parts of America could be back to normal by Easter Sunday if everyone observes all the precautions. The precautions don’t apply to me. I’m immune from catching the Corona Virus because I have twenty cases of Arrowhead Water and two hundred rolls of toilet paper0

Democratic presumptive nominee Joe Biden stay engaged in the virus crisis by going on cable news and trying not to be goofy this week. But Monday Biden coughed into his hand during a CNN interview about corona virus precautions. And now Fox News want to interview Joe about gun rights

NASA reports a one-hundred and fifty foot long meteor is headed our way through space and will pass very close to Earth in April. Word gets around, and right now the meteor is a lot more frightened of us than we are of the meteor. Everyone’s just hoping the meteor is bringing toilet paper

President Trump took questions from reporters Tuesday and urged them to report good news as well during the crisis. There is plenty of good news out there if you just look for it.  A Chicago corona virus victim has fully recovered and is now able to return to his life as a future gunfire victim

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